In the wake of my recent diatribe against Coors Light and their cold-activated cans, Advertising Age has published an article about the drowning U.S. premium light beer industry. I’m not saying that my rant inspired Ad Age’s article, but it was a nice coincidence to see some hard evidence to support my judgments (read the article here).
According to Ad Age, “The $100 billion U.S. brewing industry is staggering into its crucial selling season from its weakest position in years.” Despite massive media campaigns from the big breweries, Bud Light, Miller Light and Coors Light are all suffering from anorexic sales heading into summer. So what’s wrong? Well, the economy sucks, for one. People are coping with the recession by opting for cheaper beer such as Keystone and Pabst Blue Ribbon when they need their nightly fix. And for special occasions, such as laundry day or the monthly mahjong tournament, people are splurging on nicer craft-style brews. Okay, so that’s why the big three have resulted to obnoxious and belittling marketing – the class of cheaper bourgeoisie beers have stolen their pride, and the more sophisticated or elite beers have stripped them of their noble dreams. At first, Bud thought that pitching their premium light beer on its essence of “Drinkability” would make people flock back to their castle. But lo and behold, just because I can drink it doesn’t mean I want to. I mean, piss has ‘drinkability,’ but only Gandhi ever thought it prudent to actually sip the stuff. The only way beer could ever not have ‘drinkability’ is if you put chunks of concrete in it so I would literally choke with each gulp. Promoting ‘drinkability’ is just as absurd as saying, “Drink Bud Light…it’s made of liquid.” And so the braniacs at Bud have changed their campaign to “Here We Go,” whatever the hell that means. At this point, I’d like to make a slight correction to my previous article. In it, I distinguished the three major premium light beers (Bud, Miller and Coors) as separate entities. I was wrong. MillerCoors is one brewery and so Miller Light and Coors Light fall under the same umbrella of mediocrity. In my previous article, I gave Miller credit for their “triple hops brewed” tagline compared to Coors’ idiotic ‘cold-activated can’ campaign. So allow me to even the playing field between these brotherly beers. Just like any sibling rivalry, one always has to outdo the other. So now Miller is promoting their new “Vortex Bottle,” which supposedly unlocks flavors and aromas in the beer by aerating it as it pours. Wow. Did you steal some scientists away from NASA for that one? While I commend you for the attempt at innovative design here, there’s one problem…your beer has no flavors or aroma to unlock as it pours! At least Guinness has a reason for putting that little plastic ball into their beers. So, as we approach the shores of summer, the U.S. premium light beer market is waddling up to the boardwalk with their heads held low. They’re confused. Kind of like the fat kid who doesn’t know whether to be embarrassed and swim with his shirt on, or say ‘F’ it and sport those stretch marks with pride. And while I feel sorry for the fat kid, I have no empathy for the giant beer companies. They’re product is mediocre and their marketing is pitiful. Instead, I’m happy for the brands like Pabst and the small microbreweries around the country who are finally getting some mainstream love. And to that I say, “Yay for summer!”
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